The Portal
A birth experience that has opened up my soul. A deep realisation that ANYTHING is possible. I am the creator of my reality. I get to choose how my life unfolds. A deep-seated fear cannot harm me when I realise I am the one steering
the ship. An unwavering mind got me through the last surge, but the wild storm got me to open up each crevice of my soul. A battle of fear & closure. A darkness, anger, disbelief, detachment. Overcome with a willingness to break the cycle, not just for myself but for past & future generations. An opening of a portal that tells
a thousand stories. I have activated a new reality for us all. I am powerful, wise & strong. I can do anything I put my mind to.
Saturday the 17th of February 2024, Dad & I sat playing chess on the couch. We hadn’t played for years. A date night with fruit & Kangen water—perfection for this season. We giggled as we bickered over the chess game— light-hearted rivalry at its best. Oxytocin flowing as we laughed.
Contractions started to get stronger & more consistent. A knowing this baby is coming soon. The waves of contractions continued & I smiled brightly with each one. Intense but easily managed with Bodzy’s sweet words: "We are on the beach at Shelly. We're in the water. I'm holding you close. You can do anything for 60 seconds."
A dance between reality & the birth portal. A sacred, safe space to lean into this experience with such openness. A desire for our doula Libby to be here — she came with a gentle & reassuring energy. No need to be present with her — a feeling of support & guidance without her saying a word. We stepped outside. I stayed in Matt's arms under the stars for a few surges. The air felt light & magical. Baby will be here soon, but not for a little while. Matt's hands around my body, firm arms holding me close. We're back inside amongst the fairy lights & candle. Sage has been lit. I'm covered gently with essential oils. Lavender & Clary Sage fill the air. A time-warp seems to captivate me.
I'm dreaming in between the surges. My body and mind are exhausted. Fear starts to take over, and the storm in my head starts to form.
"How much longer? Is this normal? Can I really do this? Is bub stuck?"
I think there's posterior; my back is sore. I'm taken back to the hospital with Ola—my back—panic buttons black out.
REST—says Lily. "Your body and mind need rest."
I listen to her words; I come back to this reality. I am safe. I lay down on the bed next to a sleepy Ola.
"I can do this. I can rewrite the script."
It feels like only seconds between the surges. And some seem to last for hours as I cry out for Bodzy, who is quickly organizing, setting up the space, and keeping me nourished. He's back by my side, and I'm feeling overwhelmed.
I hear the sound of birds awakening to the sunrise. A desperation kicks in—"I thought bub would be here by now." I ask Lily to come back—her presence was easing my worries.
We're back in the lounge room. I've gone deeper, but I'm battling a storm in my mind. The darkest storm I've ever experienced. Strong surges pushing me to the depths of my soul. Demons arising that I thought I had released. Scary, dark thoughts coming to the surface. Doubt & fear taking the wheel: "People have posterior births all the time" - Oh yes - I CAN do this.
Rest. You need to rest! A fear reduction meditation. But first a beautiful, challenging, sweaty few hours of Ola joy in the pool with me. Swimming around while I rested & rubbing my back through the surges - "You are safe, Mumma."
Oh the calmness in my storm. A wise soul meant to be here guiding me through this experience. Ola is suddenly out of the pool - she's changed herself & is going for a playdate as my waves are getting stronger. Her beautiful smile leaves the room. My fear creeps in again. Rest: Ah yes, let's rest for a moment.
Another time warp. Another dance between dreaming & the reality of the surge. I breathe what feels like an infinite amount of realities. A complete opening. I'm on our bed. Another surge. Bodzy’s calm, centered voice "We're at
Shelly Beach. You're in my arms — the same words is all I wanted & he nurtured me with them all day & night. I feel a slight awakening from dream state. I realize where I am. I feel the need to pee. A surge comes & my waters explode onto the bed. I'm back in the room. I'm here. This is happening. I'm having our baby today. I look into Bodzy’s blue eyes with an intense stare. We both smile, then laugh hysterically.
Baby is coming. He pulls me close as the next wave feels even more intense, but I feel energized. My back hurts, but I have a trust — a knowing that baby knows what they are doing. "You've got this, bubba. I CAN do this."
I'm fighting off my darkest demons with every surge. There are memories that aren't mine coming to the surface. An unexplainable feeling of release with each wave. A letting go. A surrender, a complete identity released. I am NOT my emotions or thoughts — I CAN DO THIS.
I choose to overcome all of my limiting beliefs. I suddenly am a f***ing powerful lioness.
My thoughts fade as my instincts take over & I roar with courage & strength.
I'm in the pool with my loves' energy supporting my intense energy. I feel primal.
I allow my body to take the lead. I don't need thoughts to birth this baby. I create space in my mind: emptiness. Trust.
I hear me roar. I squat & move my hips intuitively.
I don’t need thoughts. I make space. Hello, my sweet baby. I know you're close. I clench for a moment — but then I sway back to softness. Healthy pain. Breathe baby down, don’t push — a sweet reminder from Lily. Back to the breath. Yes, this feels right.
My fingers reach inside & I feel hair! My mind steps in — "Can that really be her head?" My body takes over. Yes, baby is coming.
Another time warp: "You can do anything for 60 seconds," whispers a calm body.
I open my legs in a squat position as each wave comes. I breathe baby down. Then as the wave passes, I rest & float. Bodzy holding me close. I am safe. Another few surges & I feel her head outside of my body. It slips back inside as I rest. "I'm calm. This is normal."
This isn’t as painful as I thought it would be — I surprise myself with the thought, "I CAN DO THIS." I'm riding a wave. Baby's head is here. Every part of me is open. I roar. The next wave sends her out into the water & I pull our baby to my chest.
"Baby. Baby! Baby!" I cry. Baby’s face forever imprinted in my memory — tears of joy, disbelief & bliss all at once as I stare into our baby's eyes. Covered in beautiful white goo from the birth passage. Arms stretched wide. We dance in this moment for eternity — my favorite time warp yet. I soften my body & allow the tears to flow as all of the darkness fades away.
A timeline of generations healed comes & I feel like a dream. A deep healing experience. Deeper than me. Deeper than this baby. Generations healed. A powerful lioness in my soul. I have the power to create my reality. I choose how life unfolds. I am not my thoughts. I am not my emotions.
I am an intuitive, wise connection to source.
I am capable of doing anything I desire.
The storm has passed & we dance in the rawness of an open & new reality.
Everything is possible.
"Is it a boy or a girl?" "Oh, I check - a boy?" "No. A girl!" "Oh my sweet, powerful girl."
It all makes sense. A healing of generations.
In this moment, we are still one. And I realize how connected each mother before me is.
My body finds its way to the couch & the oxygen's life support - placenta is born. My mind calls for some help as my body sends a signal that it needs a little assistance. Torn between the freebirth experience & the medical world.
I lean into my intuition & accept that my body truly does need some help.
Our baby is safe & my body is tended to. Then we are back home, Ola Joy by our side.
We are in our king bed. It’s sunrise & we all awake together from what feels like a wild dream. Tears flow as I open my heart to our new reality.
Freebirth. A magical experience that has changed me forever.
xoxo
📸&📝 @wild.free.alchemy
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